I'm A Spider, So What?

Merazofis’s words are still reverberating through my head. To me, those words bring about a shock like I’m being hit with a blunt weapon.

When I tried to think back on things, I became aware that my recent behaviour had become erratic. I would use Charm to abduct boys and devour their blood. If the me from my previous life saw this, such scenes would make her faint.

Despite that, such actions didn’t even leave much of an impression on me. As if it was completely natural, I committed those deeds without any self-awareness. Thinking back on it, it was abnormal. But despite that, even though I’m self-aware of that abnormality, even now I don’t have any particular feelings for my actions.

Those abnormalities, were normal.

Before I knew it, my body and even my heart too had been reduced to a vampire. When I think about that, I become somewhat sad. It’s like “ahh, I cannot return to being human anymore.” Conversely I could say however, that in the end it’s only to the degree that I was somewhat sad.

Since I fought that “kijin”, one day has passed and I returned to the academy. At the academy, the incident is being called the act of a mysterious monster, and that the appearance and abilities of that monster are unknown. All the witnesses apart from me had been killed anyway, and there are no longer any traces of the battle in the forest. I can only think that the kijin was destroyed by some unimaginable might.

At the academy, it’s established that I exterminated the demon. That’s half right and half wrong. It’s true that I fought that kijin, but the one who defeated him is likely that Kuro who is the same kind as goshujin-sama. Since he handled me as easily as breathing, it’s certain that the kijin that I was fighting equally with also suffered the same fate.

I don’t know what happened to that kijin afterwards. Merely that goshujin-sama warned me not to say anything stupid. However, based on what I hear at the academy, I realise that somehow or other goshujin-sama has intervened to distort the facts. That being the case, then if I ask goshujin-sama, I should be able to find out what happened to that kijin.

However, I’ve been unable to ask. When I have no business with her, goshujin-sama will just suddenly appear, but at times like this I can just never get hold of her. That’s because, although she’s a spider, she wanders around whimsically like a cat. Thanks to that I’m at my wit’s end.

In addition, Merazofis’s words, like something persistently stuck between your teeth, leaves me unsettled. Would my parents be proud? To my human parents, there’s no way that they would be proud of how I am now. I am a vampire. My way of thinking and my values, even my way of life are all different. Something like being proud to be human, has been thrown away long ago. Even then, it was without any kind of deep feeling – about as casually as trash would be thrown away into a rubbish bin. So much so that if that hadn’t been pointed out to me, I wouldn’t even have realised it.

However, I changed now that I’ve realised it. I now clearly realise the difference between a human and a vampire. I realise it completely.

「Sophia, apparently you defeated a terrible monster? You’re as amazing as ever.」

The prince of the academy, Waldo bestowed upon me those words of praise. Normally I would have simply have said “thank you” spontaneously. However, today I can’t do that.

As if like a rumour that can’t be shut out by closing your ears, Merazofis’s words echo distinctly. At the same time that happened, I casually appraised Waldo, and written in his status’s abnormal conditions was the word “Charm”.

I feel nauseous. I couldn’t help turning my back on Waldo and breaking into a run. Along the way many people I recognised also called out to me. Each time, the nausea got even worse.

I dived into the toilets and shut myself away. Though I felt nauseous, the only thing that came out from my mouth was a muffled groan. After a while I got control of my mouth, and leant against the toilet wall.

This is nostalgic somehow. Though I’d never done this in my current life, in my previous life I had often taken refuge in the toilets like this. Though because the toilets had pointlessly strong smelling perfume, it just made my mood even worse and it wasn’t a place I particularly wanted to take refuge in. I couldn’t help it since there was nowhere else I could seek refuge in.

Just what am I doing? I was reborn and I have changed. I’ve become so beautiful that my ugly appearance in my previous life is hard to believe, and my grades at the academy are always at the top. The things that were unobtainable in my past life, have been obtained entirely. Maybe that’s why. I have changed, all too much.

This existance of mine, has almost no traces left of the former human known as Negishi Akiko. The only thing remaining, is my envy towards goshujin-sama. The fact that that remains, it’s as if it’s emphasizing my own ugliness, I can’t laugh even if I wanted to.

Ugly. As I am now, when judged by the human value system, I’m a monster that’s ugly from the bottom of my heart. But despite that, I carried everything out calmly, without a fragment of guilt, without any doubt, I accepted it as a matter of course. That was, as a result of it being natural for a vampire.

As a vampire, I think as I am now is entirely correct. That this is an everyday occurrence for a vampire. In practice, that was actually an everyday occurrence.

At least until Merazofis asked me that. Pride? What is pride? After all this time, what can I say I’m proud of?

If, my parents were still alive, what would they think when looking at me now? All the servants who were sacrificed in order to let me escape. How would they see me?

When I considered that far, I impulsively pulled out my elongated canine teeth. The sweet taste of blood spread through my mouth. To actually think that my own blood is tasty, I’m finally finished as a human. I hurl away my canines into the middle of the toilet. However, the next moment new canines have grown out, returning like never before as if to deny the very fact that I had pulled them out. As if they’re telling me that I can never return, I stare in a daze at the canines that I had pulled out.

When I shouldn’t even consider being able to live as a human anymore, just what is pride for then. I don’t know. I just don’t know. If it was going to be like this, I’d rather never have gained self-awareness.